2018 and 2019, were the years that I failed at everything.
I failed at paying rent and living on my own.
I failed at getting my wife the help she needed after the accident.
I failed at spending enough time with my wife while I tried to keep money coming in.
I failed at keeping in touch with family.
I failed at reaching out to almost any friends.
I failed at my new business.
I failed at keeping my wedding business afloat.
I failed a bunch of my clients.
I failed my business partner.
I failed at getting a family doctor.
I failed at taking care of my mental issues.
I failed at managing my depression.
I failed at staying away from my video game addiction.
I failed at doing all the things I said I would for my church.
I failed at eating right.
I failed at doing exercise. Any at all.
I failed at not offending people I care about.
I failed to get any help from the government.
I failed at maintaining my car.
I failed at not getting into relationship ending discussions on facebook.
I failed at getting a music program started.
I failed at practicing any music.
I failed at blogging consistently.
I failed at asking for help.
I failed at communicating that things were not okay.
I failed at remembering to shower once a week.
I failed at paying my debts.
I failed at not blaming others for my problems.
I failed at not blaming myself.
I failed at forgiving others.
I failed at asking for forgiveness.
I failed at forgiving myself.
I failed at pretty much every single thing I did this last 2 years. I got to a point where I was just sick and tired of apologizing to everyone for letting them down.
This is the point of the article where there is supposed to be some inspirational turn of events. Some magical moment where all the negativity I just threw down somehow is all made better and resolves perfectly. As I write this I don't know if there is one. IF there is, I'll be discovering it along with you as I write this.
No matter how low you are feeling in life, there is a misconception that the only way to go is up. This is not true at all. There is always somewhere darker you can go. And by God's grace, I have somehow pulled myself out of a nosedive.
Getting the right perspective and mindset is almost 100% of the battle. But even with the right mindset, it doesn't make all your problems go away.
It just means you can start the work.
Every victory stands beside a failure.
I've begun a process of going through every single failure, one by one, and started fixing them. But the heartbreaking feeling is that while you fix one problem, the 99 other fires you let grow are still burning. Debts you have accrued still are asking you to pay them back. Broken relationships are still going to find ways of reminding them that you broke them.
One thing I've learned through this process is learning how to accept failure, but to redouble efforts and focus on what I can control.
Finding out how to get a victory in just one battle, while losing 9 others, is still better than losing all 10.
It might sound a bit crazy, but I'm actually incredibly optimistic at this point.
One of the first things you realize in difficult times is where your weaknesses are.
When times are good, your temper doesn't come out because there isn't a lot of provocation. Your addictions and bad habits aren't fatal, because you have enough money or support to cover them.
When the hard times come, that's when your weaknesses become painfully obvious, and your strengths are the only thing you have to keep going.
The fact that a catastrophic level of failure and I'm still able to stand, and still able to fight, is encouraging. I found some strength to keep going.
And it's really made me consider my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
I've had to wrestle with my mental challenges. ADD and high functioning ASD are not simple things to understand, but they give me great strengths and great weaknesses that need to be managed properly.
Part of the reason for everything falling apart on me was that I had without realizing it, developed a lot of coping mechanisms, that allowed me to be a functioning person. But when I lost a lot of those support systems, I became a fish out of water, and had no idea what was going on.
So I guess dear reader, the silver lining here I am discovering is that self-awareness is so incredibly important. And that it's almost impossible to really know yourself when everything is going right.
While I don't recommend that anyone intentionally go through what I went through, If you really want to know what you're capable of, and what areas of your life need to some serious work, you have to
1: Reduce the amount of support that you are receiving.
2: Pay really close attention to what's happening in you in those moments, and the impact it has around you.
If I go through those failures, it would be very easy to blame every single one on something external. What I really think happened is that external circumstances just removed the things that were supporting me, and instead of relying on the people who were around me to pick up the pieces, I was actually laid bare and was standing completely on my own two feet.
And what I found out was, that when I am truly on my own, I am not as strong as I thought. I am truly not as capable as I believed myself to be.
and I need help.
And that's okay.
There are a lot of things I've learned about myself that I need to consider. I know now what exactly having an attention deficit can do when left unchecked. What happens when I get too isolated. What I need to start saying yes to, and what I need to start saying no to.
And if I learned nothing else, I now have an incredible amount of empathy for people who have struggled with chronic pain, depression, mental health, loss, struggles... on almost every angle.
If you're someone who has gone through a lot of failures, keep in mind, I'm not an expert here. This is just my experience and perspective. But I've got a good notion that these trials that life puts you through, are the biggest opportunities and blessings you will ever receive.
Nothing I say is going to make what you're going through any easier.
But I can say, that I'm struggling here with you, and that it turns out, even in these darkest moments, you still have a choice to keep fighting for that one victory.
Keep fighting friends.
"Never give up. Trust your instincts"
- Peppy Hare
